dreamattack | a dialogue in pictures

Moby was four and a half. For the past few months he’d been sleepier than the others, lounging about in the hammocks and looking at us sleepily when we roused the others for treat time. We told him he was a fat lazy weasel and laughed over it. Other than that he was fine until a few days ago. Thursday, when I was cleaning their room (our ferrets have their own bedroom to free-roam) I noticed something was definitely not right with him. He seemed exceedingly fatigued and was having a hard time using his back legs. I whipped out my Ferrets for Dummies (a very good book, despite the title) and boom, Insuloma – one of several cancers to which ferrets are prone. We tested his blood sugar (I have a kit, I’m diabetic) and it was 66. Normal range for ferrets is 90-120. This bolstered my fear. We took him to the vet on Friday, she pulled blood (from his jugular, ferrets veins are tiny) and the results confirmed that not only did he have Insuloma but also the beginnings of Adrenal disease, yet another ferret cancer. We felt that we had caught it early, and that we could treat the Insuloma with prednisone, which would raise his blood sugar and make him feel a lot better.

Saturday morning, he was vomiting excessively. Ferrets are not vomiters, so if they’re throwing up, something’s really wrong. When I pulled him out of the cage he was basically limp and exhausted. I felt a strange large mass on the side of his neck where the blood draw occurred. He lay across Eric’s chest almost comatose. I called the vet, we took him in. The mass turned out to be a hematoma (pooled blood) from the draw, the size of a walnut. The vet was concerned that his blood was refusing to clot. Moby had perked up, grumpy at being at the vet’s office again, but he was clearly miserable. He had always been a surly ferret – wanting everything his way, playfully bullying the girls around to let him know he was boss (he wasn’t). His bold personality and his dignity were very strong for a goofy weasel. We were fairly sure that if he could talk, what he would say. We caught things at the beginning of a decline into a miserable and undignified stretch of time that would inevitably lead to his death. These cancers cannot be cured, only controlled for a time. We made the incredibly difficult decision that the only way to guarantee that he would not suffer physically or “emotionally” as he declined towards dying was to have him euthanized.

We miss him very much. The house is emptier without him.

slipped inside past the fine
caverns of bone,
past the broken cups and china,
behind layers of wet clay
and cotton.
the quiet
settles into her hands:
two fingers holding the potter’s wheel
in a casual manner;
one finger sucking at the edge
like an oxygen tank
rattling out for air
and blue-violet crayolas.

she’s on vacation from herself
she said, don’t
look too hard or i will
become a ghost.

-zz
3.10.07

Jhonn Balance
16 February 1962 - 13 November 2004

forever missed.

Seek silence.
Gladden in silence.
Adore silence.

taking a break. back soon. no worries. bye for now. ♥ -zz.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Last week’s symbol was a closed fist. The mood was determined, fierce, and intolerant of any funny stuff. But you’re leaving the zone in which that stance made sense. Your new metaphor is the open hand. Your chances at succeeding will increase in proportion to your willingness to negotiate for peace, seek connection, and accept input. Receptivity is the Truth and the Way. “Why not?” is your power mantra. To prime yourself for the transition, I suggest that wherever you are right now, you spread your arms wide and unfurl your welcoming palms.

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

“At moments like this, I wish I could somehow open a door and have him step inside my head so that he could know how fully I adore him. After all these years with him, my feelings only become stronger every morning, when I look at him. I watch him pee sometimes and I actually sigh with joy because I won him, somehow.

Happily, GLEEFULLY, would I live in dire poverty with him, if it meant we got to live to each be one hundred years old. The next morning, a tree could fall on the top of our cardboard box and crush us both to death at the same instant. Bliss.”

from Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “What the heart knows today the head will understand tomorrow,” wrote Irish storyteller James Stephens. It’s lucky for you that this is true, Capricorn–or at least it *will* be lucky if you’re smart enough to trust your heart, which has already figured out a certain truth that your head is still days away from registering. This is not merely a pretty metaphor, by the way. Despite what you may have been led to believe about the nature of the heart, it is actually an organ of intelligence that is capable of deep thought.

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In his biography Tallulah!: The Life and Times of a Leading Lady, Joel Lobenthal describes actress Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968) as a reckless hedonist given to exhibitionism and affairs with hundreds of lovers. He also hints that there was a karmic payback for her excesses. It came in the form of a lengthy hysterectomy that was a last-ditch attempt to save her from the ravages of an advanced case of gonorrhea, reducing her frame to a mere seventy pounds. Bankhead didn’t see it as karmic payback, however. Afterwards she told her doctor, “Don’t think this has taught me a lesson!” Your own imminent comeuppance won’t be even a tiny fraction of what Bankhead’s was, Capricorn. But I hope that after it has been offered, you will thankfully say, “This has taught me a valuable lesson!”

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

much to my own surprise, i realized that i’d forgotten to post last month’s search phrase statistics! the horror!! so without ANY ado, here they be.

May’s Key Searchphrases:

15,283 hits on a secret text file hidden in the belly of my server, relating to a mysterious un-named website and its various & sundry occupants.

kristi michelle buss
softly floating through my atmosphere
a melody softly floating through my atmosphere
blackbirds singing in the dead of night lyrics
melody softly floating through my atmosphere lyrics
link www.nyominx.com
female ejaculation
gary mckinnon amiga
softly threw my atmosphere lyrics
zuzu cypher
first memory by louise gluck
kristi buss
a melody floating softly through my atmosphere
luna moth tattoo
a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere by the blackbirds
scott turner schofield
brain cookies
inbetween space
searching for the hermit
lyrics a melody floating softly through my atmosphere
floating through my atmosphere
a melody floating softly
i do believe its true that there are roads still left in both of our shoes
the wrong house comic
melody floating through my atmosphere
maasai male painting nude
devil want you
shunga anatomy
saul williams maybe you’ve heard of us
pictures of the death’s head moth
coloring books
lyrics floating through my atmosphere
merry-go-round in park
sexton a prayer for the year of the insane
the great advantage of being alive analysis by ee cummings
mengele
blare snitch project
painful swollen bottom lip
my taxes pay your
confusionism
lyrics melody floating through the atmosphere
makasi bonobo
trepanation what race
a melody softly floating through atmosphere
dreamattack girl
and now that he’s softly soaring through my atmosphere
zuzu
your eyes cook da books
shunga from nepal
the wrong house comic nude
elizabeth bathory
floating through lyrics
brain tumor photos
floating through my atmosphere lyrics
indra’s pool
lyrics melody softly
xenonb.
melody softly floating
musics cypher
a melody floating softly through my atmosphere by the blackbirds
bad cocks

i normally wouldn’t do something like this but, this is worth it.

read more about the art and architecture of the long burger at ideas in food. this is one idea i will be trying out soon!

BY HILLARY WOODWORTH
ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE
[reprinted withOUT permission because compulsary web registration makes me cross]

As patrons entered the Central Arkansas Library System’s Main Library in downtown Little Rock, they would inevitably pass by a hefty 6-foot, 390-pound man with grayish hair. That man was Vernon Johnson, who was a security guard at the library for over 23 years.

Although his size alone could scare bad intentions out of anyone, co-workers said Johnson had a heart of gold.

Johnson died Monday at Baptist Health Medical Center in Little Rock from complications caused by diabetes. He was 53.

Born in Conway, Johnson moved to Little Rock in his youth. He has been a working man since the age of 13. To help support his mother, who was raising four children alone on a laundry worker’s salary, Johnson did yardwork and other odd jobs to bring in extra income.

Johnson’s wife, Donita, said his upbringing helped form his strong work ethic and thrifty nature.

“People said he was cheap,” his wife said. “He wasn’t cheap, he was thrifty. I think that was wise.”

Co-worker Alysanne Crymes said that in the 20 years she has been with the library, she remembers Johnson missing only one day of work.

Johnson’s wife concurs. “No, he was very serious about work. He didn’t want to miss going. He worked the day before he went into the hospital, even though he could barely walk.

“He saved getting sick for when we were on vacation.”

Johnson first met his wife when she took a position at the library 4 1/2 years ago.

“I’m the one who asked him out,” Donita Johnson said. “I sent him an e-mail and said we should go out sometime. He wrote back and said, ‘You want to go out with me?’ Even after we were married, he would ask me what I saw in him. He just didn’t even know. He was a kind, generous, loving man.”

The couple married in January 2005, and the father of one child was now a father to five.

“He never called them stepchildren. To him, he was their dad,” his wife said. “We were only together for a little while, but they were some of the happiest times of my life.”

Johnson, not surprisingly, enjoyed reading books on a wide array of topics - from biographies to science fiction. Johnson also enjoyed looking through his telescope at the stars.

During his service in the U.S. Army, Johnson had traveled to several countries and he maintained an interest in foreign languages.

“He would check out Spanish language tapes and would practice along with them at home,” Donita Johnson said. “He was getting pretty good at it.”

Johnson was an expert cook and his pot roast was a family favorite, his wife said. He also enjoyed listening to classical and gospel music and had always wanted to learn how to play the saxophone.

Described by his wife as old-fashioned, patient and respectful, Johnson was wellliked by most people.

“He was a wonderful human being, and he always made you feel safe,” his wife said.

This story was published Wednesday, June 07, 2006

VERNON C JOHNSON SR. went home to eternal life June 5, 2006. He is preceded in death by father, Joseph Johnson and sister, Diane Ward. He is survived by his wife, Donita R. McGraw Johnson; mother, Ruby Irvien; children, Vernon (Renee ) of Roy, Utah; Bryan of Plano, Texas; Joel of Conway, Ark., Colin and Maya of Little Rock, Ark., he is also survived by granddaughters, Veronica and Kayla of Roy, Utah, as well as a host of relatives and friends. Funeral service is 9 a.m., Friday, June 9, 2006 at Rufus King Young, A.M.E. Church (2100 Main St.) the family will receive friends from 6-7 p.m., at the funeral home. Services entrusted to Premier Funeral Home, 1518 S. Battery St., Little Rock, Ark. (501) 376-4800. “Only Heaven Can Serve You Better!”

Leaden blankets weigh him down,
White hanks drape his leathery face.
Caught in the numbness of narrowing time,
Eyes blinded by gauze,
Robotic sighs echo into his coma.
Metallic hiss of breathing machine is the
Strange violence of modern compassion.

What do we do when those we care deeply about are dying, while we go on living and working? We might be tempted to indulge in our own feeling of injustice, sadness, or fear, but we should think first of those who are dying. We have a responsibility to be with them.

Don’t let others die lonely. No moatter how ironic your living may compare with their dying, act for them as they can no longer act. If they reach out for some way to cope with their impending end, you need not have flowery words. Merely being with them, perhaps reaching out to hold hands, is eloquence enough. Death may be near, but any amount of time before it comes is precious.

Life’s moments are not cheapened by death. Just to observe and affirm is good. After all, death waits for all of us. Only the value we place on each minute determines the quality of life. If we can embrace that, then no one’s life is ruined by death.

excerpted not-so-randomly from 365 Tao, by Deng Ming-Dao

today i wanted to share thoughts about death, as death is on my mind with the passing of Vernon on monday. so i looked through the index of this book for death. imagine my wonder when dying happened to be on the 158th day of the year, which just so happens to be June 7th.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): This would not be a good week to cast a curse on God in revenge for what you think are his mistakes. Nor would it be a favorable time to draw blasphemous cartoons of saints, or pretend that atheism is any less of a faith-based belief system than religion. In fact, if I were you, Capricorn, I would utter a few prayers, purify your motives, and do some really good deeds–just in case there’s even a slim possibility that divine help is abundantly available to you right now. (P.S. From what I can tell, there’s more than a slim possibility.)

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood on the brink of hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage…

– John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II

Deception occurs when you are divided,
Truth appears when you are whole.
Uniting male and female brings illumination,
The real master is a perfect light.

No one is ineligible to know higher truth. When concentration, energy, and thinking are scattered, we cannot break out of ignorance. The diversity and contradictions of existence confuse us, and appearances deceive us.

Do we need a master to help us in this struggle to know the truth? In the beginning we do. What is not often said is that the human master is but a temporary and imperfect manifestation of the ultimate truth. Without a master, you cannot make a beginning. If you never look beyond the person, you will never attain the entirety. A good master leads you to the true master within. Only that master, who is your own higher self, can adequately answer all questions.

Once you unite all elements within yourself, metaphorically referred to as the uniting of male and female, the light that dispels darkness appears. Just as all colored light together makes colorless light, so too does the combination of all our facets result in the integration of our polarities. When this happens you will “see” a light in your meditations. This light brings knowledge. That is why it is called the true master.

randomly selected by opening the book, 365 Tao,
by Deng Ming-Dao

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “Race car drivers say that if you’re heading toward a wall,” writes philosopher Jonathan Zap, “don’t look at it. Instead, look at where you want to go.” That’s good advice for you in the coming week, Capricorn. It would be crazy for you to concentrate all your
attention on what you don’t like and don’t need and don’t agree with. Rather, you should briefly acknowledge the undesirable possibilities, but then turn the full force of your focus to the most interesting and fulfilling option.

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

tiny closeup

Originally uploaded by dreamattack.

a lazy sunday afternoon with the yet-unnamed kitten.

Things and Concepts

The principle of Non-Identity brings to light that enormous chasm that opens between things and the concept we have of them. Things are dynamic and living, while our concepts of them are static and poor. Look, for example, at a table. We see the table; we have the impression that the table in itself and the concept of the table that is in our mind are identical. In reality, what we believe to be a table is nothing other than our concept of the table, while the table in itself is something else entirely. Some scant notions - wood, of brown color, hard, being three feet high, old, etc. - bring about this concept of a table in us. The table in itself is not so scanty in reality. For exmple, a nuclear physicist would tell us that the table is not a piece of static matter, that it is constituted of a multitude of atoms whose electrons move like a swarm of bees, and that if we could put these atoms next to each other, we would have a mass of matter smaller than a finger. This table, in reality, is always in transformation; in time as well as in space it is connected to other things that we might call non-table. It depends upon them so closely that if we should take from the table all that which is non-table, the table itself would no longer exist.

The forest, the tree, the saw, the hammer, the cabinetmaker, for example, are part of this non-table, and there are still more elements that are in relation to this non-table, such as the parents of the cabinetmaker, the bread that they eat, the blacksmith who makes the hammer, and so on. if we know how to look at the table in its relationship with all this non-table, we can see in it the presence of all the non-table. We can say that the existence of the table implies, or demonstrates, the existence of that which is non-table; that is to say, of the entire universe. This idea is expressed in the Avatamsaka system of Buddhism by the notion of the “multi-inter-origin” of things. A notion in which the one is equal to the all, and the all equal to the one.

excerpt from Zen Keys by Thích Nhât Hanh

Contemplating “No”

A monk asked Chao Chou, “Does a dog have Buddha-nature or not?” Chao Chou said, “No.” This one word “no” is a knife to sunder the doubting mind of birth and death. The handle of this knife is in one’s own hand alone. You can’t have anyone else wield it for you: to succeed you must take hold of it yourself. You consent to take hold of it yourself only if you can abandon your life. If you cannot abandon your life, just keep to where your doubt remains unbroken for a while: suddenly you’ll consent to abandon your life, and then you’ll be done. Only then will you believe that when quiet it’s the same as when noisy, when noisy it’s the same as when quiet, when speaking it’s the same as when silent, and when silent it’s the same as when speaking. You won’t have to ask anyone else, and naturally you won’t accept the confusing talk of false teachers.

During your daily activities twenty-four hours a day, you shouldn’t hold to birth and death and the Buddha Path as existent, nor should you deny them as nonexistent. Just contemplate this: A monk asked Chao Chou, “Does a dog have Buddha-nature or not?” Chao Chou said, “No.”

randomly paperclipped excerpt from Swampland Flowers: The Letters and Lectures of Zen Master Ta Hui

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Twice a year you enter a short-lived phase in your astrological cycle when tough challenges are the best gifts you can possibly receive. This is one of those times. To honor this richly disconcerting moment, I offer you three gems from sages who understood how to get the most out of their trials. Psychologist C.G. Jung: “We need difficulties; they are necessary for our health.” French diplomat Jean Monnet: “If you have a problem you cannot solve, enlarge the context.” Albert Einstein: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

for you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind…

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): An old African proverb says that cattle are wealth, and there are no cattle without dung. This idea is applicable to you right now. The source of your greatest riches has produced some waste matter that needs to be cleaned up. Ironically, if you act expeditiously, the waste matter could be turned into more riches. Take a hint from the Masai people, who use cattle dung as plaster in building their homes. The scent helps repel lions, who dislike it, from venturing too
close.

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology

minus nine months of medical leave, i’ve been here almost a decade. while i’ll miss the people and many of the patrons, i won’t miss the admino-sphere, and my ex- and soon-to-be-ex bosses.

i start my new job Monday, as a state employee at the university library (instuctional media services). i know i’m just trading one bloated, clueless administration for another, but i am really relishing the opportunity for a clean slate.

plus, the best part of the new job … scantily clad co-eds wandering the campus! mmm eye candy.

Love is a Stranger

Heart came on solid footing with breath refined
to warn the best of communities.
Heart placed your head
like a pen on the page of love.

We are joyous pennants in your just wind.
Master, to where do you dance?

Toward the land of liberation,
toward the plain of non-existence.

Master, tell us which non-existence you mean.
The ear of eternity knows the letter of eternity.

Love is a stranger with a strange language,
like an Arab in Persia. I have brought a story;
it is strange, like the one who tells it.
Listen to your servent.

Joseph’s face enlightened the well in which he was suspended.
His imprisonment became a palace
with orchards and meadows, a paradise,
a royal hall, and a chamber of sanctity.

Just as you toss a stone into the water,
the water at that very moment parts to receive it.
Just as a cloudy night is dispelled by a clear dawn,
from his humiliation and loss he views high heaven.

Reason, do not envy my mouth.
God witnesses the blessings.
Though the tree drinks from hidden roots,
we see the display of its branches.
Whatever the earth took from heaven,
it yields up honestly in spring.

Whether you have stolen a bead or a jewel,
whether you have raised a flag or a pen,
the night is gone and the day has arrived,
and the sleeper shall see what he has dreamed.

– Rumi