dreamattack | a dialogue in pictures

am I on the inside or the outside of the asylum, and does it really matter? the gerbils in my head keep rattling in their cage - the squeaky wheel keeps me awake sometimes at night. I fear I am hiding within hiding within isolation and still more hiding. reality seems so far away, yet its hot rotting breath lingers against my neck. I need therapy, more drugs, less isolation, less drugs, a frontal lobotomy, a basal craniotomy?

I don’t want to lose all of my cognition, my precience, any degree of awareness. but I’ve lost a lot. my cranial pressure is high, I can feel it beating back against my skull like a tempermental child.

inbetween floating orbs of explosive head pain, I find different ways to pretend I’m not me, at least not me in this body. I want to reach out and be held, but all I can do is vomit my frustration in all directions.

I’m ready for the experiment to be over.

there’s a soft idea, wrapped around your mind.
you’re spread out on the bed.
you’re suffering for god.
I want the center of your heart.
I’ve been wondering what it takes to destroy you.
I learned yesterday: all you need is humility.
I want the center of your heart.
I recorded your voice on the telephone.
when you heard it, you cried “where am I now? I’ve been nailed down”.
I want the center of your heart.
my body’s been used and eaten, but I still feel nothing inside myself.
I sweat when you’re on top of me, and I can’t distinguish you from me.
I want the center of your heart.
I know I’m beautiful when you touch me. you’ve been nailed down.
I know what you’re thinking. read my mind.
I want the center of your heart.
hold onto me.
hold onto me.
I’ve been nailed down. don’t be ashamed, don’t be ashamed.
hold onto me.
hold onto me.
hold on.

the center of your heart / swans

I’m still up in nebraska, looking forward to getting home soon. I miss my critters something fierce. I will roll around on the ground with them once again, Tuesday night.

I watched the video yesterday, the one I shouldn’t have watched. you know the one, the one I needed to watch. yeah, that video. the one I shouldn’t have watched. I also should have turned down the volume so as to avoid hearing the scream.

I didn’t react the way I expected…no outrage, shock, horror. instead, something deep inside me shifted slightly. I began to weep inside - the grief at the entirety of what is consuming our world overwhelmed me. I imagined myself a hollow geodesic shell, cavernous and lined with stone, and felt the world’s pain flow in thick rivulets down my interior. I am a sack of skin, wrapped around a wailing wall. when will it end?

I kept finding my thoughts constantly drawing to Quan (Kwan) Yin, the Buddhist bodhisattva of mercy and compassion. she is called “she who hears the cries of the world”, and “she who weeps for the world”. the latter has always resonated within me like a gong. it’s been rumored that I have channeled the Hindu goddess Durga, and even the gnostic first wife of Adam, Lilith. I believe that Quan-yin may very well have climbed inside and commenced to weeping.

“If any is carried away by a flood, call upon her name, they will immediately reach the shallows… Or if anyone cries who is in deadly peril by the sword, the sword will be snapped asunder. If wicked demons attack, the one who cries will become invisible to them… “from the Lotus Sutra

namu / quan shir yin / pu / sa

na mu / quan / shir / yi-n / pu-u-u / sa-a

I am overcome with the weight of the world’s pain. I would gladly bear it if I could bring myself to trust that one day things will improve. unfortunately, I am having a difficult time finding that trust. I am but a very small bear. who am I? I am nobody.

for as long as space endures
and for as long as living beings remain,
until then may I too abide
to dispel the misery of the world.

I’m leaving this morning for Houston - obligitory in-law family wedding, be back Sunday night. Then I’m leaving Wednesday for Omaha to visit my mothers & will be back the following Tuesday. feel free to email me - I’ll have access in Omaha. hope all is well with everyone while I’m gone. those of you with the number to my cellphone are more than welcome to call me.

xo

-me

yesterday was my last day working at the library. I’ve worked there since Sept. 24, 1997. I began as a book shelver and within three years had climbed the library ladder to being the assistant head of the circulation department. there are A LOT of things that I won’t be missing, but I will miss most of my co-workers. for a job, the place had a strong feeling of home to me. I put a lot of myself into that department.

when our original boss was unjustly sidelined by a massive stroke, I took it upon myself to make sure the department kept running as smoothly as possible. my only impediment, the person who was the former assistant department head, the one who moved into her office, but never did her job. three more years of doing both my job and his job for him definitely took their toll on me. there were times where I felt that I’d been broken, psychologically, but I learned an awful lot about how to “handle” difficult people. I learned the importance of making a “higher up” think he came up with an idea himself, rather than to tell him what an idiot he was. I learned the subtle art of fine manipulation, not with ulterior motives, but with the best of the department, and its workers (especially) in mind.

I developed some powerful allies that became even more powerful friends. even though I interact with them via LJ quite frequently, I will miss the group bitch sessions and drinking ourselves blind under the burning flag of commiseration. I implore you guys to make frequent posts in our public service forum so I can keep up with all the library nasty.

So now, with the wide world of unemployed full-time studenthood looming deliciously before me - I quietly contemplate the changes in my life, and the time I will have to both deepen my commitment to my artwork, and to healing my muchly broken body (and mind).

Pull up your playlist on your MP3 player, set it to shuffle and write down your favorite line from the first twenty songs that play. Try not to include the song’s title in any of the lyrics.

The first person to guess every single one of them will win a ratty ripped up, but adorable stuffy that I’ve had to confiscate from my ferrets.

1. “I made a god out of blood, not superiority”

2. “we’ll cut across the crop circles. the seer says no”

3. “all you sick little fucks, it’s the beginning”

4. “that’s just how some people are, their mouths get smaller with dreams.”

5. “Well I’ve finally found what I’m a looking for but if they get their chance they’ll end it for sure”

6. “through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be”

7. “the president’s mouth is a whore”

8. “weepin at the wall where I crawl, nobody knows ’bout the blowjob in the hole.”

9. “I saw you through the window masturbating to the violence”

10. “iconography fucks with me, you look great in bloodstains”

11. “nobody in this world is ever gonna keep you from me, I love you”

12. “evil has not taken over the universe, silver towers are still standing”

13. “Anne, with her father, is out in the boat riding the water, riding the waves on the sea”

14. “Drowning past regrets In tea and cigarettes”

15. “Through the hemisphere I roam to make love to the angels of life”

16. “Love, love is a verb, love is a doing word, feathers on my breath”

17. “He’ll rekindle all the dreams it took you a lifetime to destroy.”

18. “Edith moves each step, fucking youth”

19. “I could live a little better with the myths and the lies, when the darkness broke in, I just broke down and cried.”

20. “escape yourself this moment, let us fill you in as our arms are wide”

BONUS: “Dali znaesh mila majko, shto sum ne srekjna, Cel den doma sama sedam, Nadvor ne smejam”